To the times when life seemed so unfair

it takes a lot more than guts

2005-10-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

i guess it will never work...

love cannot move mountains....

it cant....

never will...

never ever will......

and thats very sad...

so im going to stop now...

coz im not brave enough to continue being responsible for my feelings...

i want to feel this....

but i dont think it would do me any good....

so im letting go....

to beloved

2005-10-07T03:48:00.000-07:00

beloved,

I love you......

maddeningly......

to life

2005-10-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

my philosophy thesis is coming up this week... damn... i should start reading... but then again.. i shouldn't just read.... i should understand it..

i actually thought you'd understand

2005-09-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

i tried to talk to my parents, but everytime i try, they always end up getting mad at me. i talked to a councelor already, they told me that some people have a paradigm in their head, and that i should understand my parents.... but im the only one doing the understanding not them.... i have to be the one to understand them..... if i am the good guy, who everyone puts down and insults, why am i always the one who cries???? am i this cursed in life, today i finally CHOOSE to be HAPPY, but why did it end up a mess...????? is my life always like this... this is the reason i sometimes chose to be miserable and sad.. because it is better than being happy then getting diossapointed later on...... life is crap...... and i have to face it like that...

so far in life i have only met 2 people in the world who understands me, moreen and patricia.... i miss them greatly.... they dont know how much i cant live without them.... i wish i could hug them now... i miss them....

i speak a different language amongst the people... they only understand me when i try to speak theirs.... why cant they understand me????>????

to humanity ("sing to me")

2005-09-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

I have become the cold floor of his grave;
The silent steps of the angel.
I have become the pale, pale skin of the dead,
You cannot touch me, I am stiff.
I have become the fallen leaf of the tree;
Green, fades and brittles.
I have become the body alone.
Where is my soul?

I do not see sunshine no more,
only the rain, pouring strongly.
I do not hear the laughter no more,
only their screams, they comfort me.
I see their pain,
But where is mine?

I have become the lost child,
You cannot hear my cries,
I walk aimlessly across the streets,
Do you even see me?
Can you look at my face and save me
With a lullaby?
If you sing me to my heaven,
I will not see you, but I will hear
And I will die, But
Love is still alive.

to my mentor

2005-09-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

thank you so much for clearing up certain things about me that i dont understand.

Passion is my strength and my weakness..

i am a risk taker....

and others that i will not mention anymore...

i guess i am a risk taker, my mom mistakes me for fearless... i am not fearless.... i am mostly afraid, i just am willing to do things to experience them...

sometimes assertiveness is mistaken for arrogance....

and sometimes courage is mistaken for craziness....

i hope most would understand that....

to California

2005-09-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i want to live with my grandmother, or with my cousin and study there........

i want to get a summer job and earn money ther...

i want to buy a car and drive there......

ahhhh...

i want to go to california na now!!!!!!!

ahhhhhhh......

to you, the one i love, and will probably love for a long time still

2005-09-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

i never ever will be a part of your life.

and that hurts me,

as much as you just want me to disapear, i can't...

i love you, and im sorry its hard for you to take that....

:(

to the signs i see of you

2005-09-19T04:08:00.000-07:00

i only saw you once today, but there were so many signs, like your name on the tv, a smiley squeeze ball of my professor during philosophy, a name in my computer, your name being said, another person with the same hair as yours, the wind....

i dont know... i just miss you i guess, thats all....:)

to that person who commented on my blog (not grock)

2005-09-19T03:46:00.000-07:00

um, thank you for the website but i dont need to online date. i just write about my life here in the blog and sometimes i tend to let out things in dont usually say to most people. the need for someone is very essencial for most human beings who feel alone, and most of the time i feel alone. but thanks anyway, my proffesions here in my blog are not really that big a deal, i use this blog as my piggy bank of bad memories or bad feelings or things that my heart longs for...

i guess i have been just really depressed lately... im trying to find a motivation for life...

(letters) to you - finch

2005-09-18T04:25:00.000-07:00

Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that
I miss you
I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that
I miss you I miss you so [x4]
No more looking i've found home
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]

I'm gone away
I'm gone away

*I want you, Sonrier, to know that, I miss you so....

to coconut rum

2005-09-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

i dont really know why i entitled it 'to coconut rum', i just seem to remember that now, and remember him and how much remembering coconuts, make me remember the beach, which makes me remember how much i think of him whenever im in the beach.

it is absurd now, my life, just like jean paul sartre in philosophy. i absolutely hate waking up because i have become afraid to face each day, matter of factly i rather prefer to just stay at home and sleep. i wish i lived in the time long ago, like 1800's, the late 1800's. where somehow i could still walk on meadows near houses, unless your in the city of course. i wish there were meadows here where i live, so that whenever i feel like shit i can go there and clear my mind, nature inspires me. and i have had a lack of that, my old school had lots of trees and plants there, and i felt at home there, the plants somehow helped in keeping me calm. now, i think of myself as a child, fearful, when before i was greatly fearless.

i have lost energy to live, i dont even want to go to school or even wake up for that matter. i feel like i am slowly fading, i lost that radiance i used to have in my smile. i used to have that. these are those times when i wish i could pretend that i wasn't empty inside, because i cant pretend that good, i cant pretend im happy. i wish i could. i guess some of my emptiness is caused by my restraining of self, because i am stoping myself from loving someone. love used to make me smile with little things like signs, love used to make me happy even though i never got any back in return, maybe i could do that again. then maybe a little of my emptiness could be filled.

this is called depression... or maybe im mentally sick... us writers tend to be that way...

to the one i NEED

2005-09-17T04:13:00.000-07:00

it will always be your eyes that i look for when i look out the classroom. no matter how much i tell myself that i dont want you,because in reality, i dont want you.... i NEED you... only you.. and i dont know how long i will be able to last not hearing your voice anymore.

the only thing i had with you, was when our eyes would find each other, and now that had to be taken away from me....

If two people meet and they both fall in love, thats destiny for sure. If neither loves the other even if they meet millions of times, its still not destiny... -turn left turn right

no matter how many coincidences i have with him, it's just not destiny... because we've met more than a million times.... and i'm the only one who is in love, maddeningly in love...

to you, whoever you are

2005-09-17T03:24:00.000-07:00

When will i ever know that i have found you?

you know, the you who i will spend the rest of my life with..the you who wil be the one to wipe of my tears and hold me when im crying, the you i can snuggle up in bed with when i feel cold, the you who will hold my hand when we walk around, the you who is for me, and who exists soley because of me, and I because of him. The you, who can read my eyes when i am mad or sad or afraid. the you who will kiss me after a fight and promise to never fight with me again, even if the next day we have another argument. The you who will accompany me to the mall even though all i ever do is shop. to you who sings me to sleep every night even if he has a terrible voice. the you who will love me and understand me even if im not perfect. and the you who i will love, because he is imperfect. i hope the moment i see you, even if i don't know, my heart will...

Both are convinced that a sudden surge of emotions bound them together.
Beautiful is such a certainty but uncertainty is more beautiful,
Because they didnt know each other earlier,
They suppose that nothing was happenihng between them.
What of the streets, stairways, corridors where they could have passed each other long ago?
I'd like to ask them whether they remember, perhaps a revolving door, ever being face to face, an 'excuse me' in a crowd, or a voice 'wrong number' in the reciever,
But i know their answer,
No, they dont remember,
They'd be greatly astonished to learn that for a long time,
Chance has been playing with them,
Not yet wholly ready to transform into fate for them,
It approached them,
Then backed off,
Stood in their way and suppressing a giggle, jumped to the side...
-turn left turn right

To whose eyes i find myself searching for

2005-09-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

your silence is not what i want..
i want you to tell me, whats inside your heart
,so that my heart can rest in peace,
whether or not you love me....

but who am i to kid myself,
that is for the man i have made up inside my head,
because all i hear from him are soundless whispers,
that i dont even understand.

it will always be your eyes that i look for when i look out the classroom. no matter how much i tell myself that i dont want you,because in reality, i dont want you.... i NEED you... only you.. and i dont know how long i will be able to last not hearing your voice anymore. the only thing i had with you, was when our eyes would find each other, and now that had to be taken away from me....

to memories and feelings

2005-09-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes when the world is quiet and all you can feel is the wind blowing, your mind wanders to what was before.

today, i remembered something..

and i think i belive in love at first sight.... i think... i haven't "vanquished" yet but we'll see if it really is love... whatever..:)

its kinda nice to like someone and the only thing you know of him is his name and his face, nothing else...

its also nice that you keep it to yourself, and no one, i repeat, no one, not one of those who surround you know that you like him....

it adds some kind of mystery to the crush-slash-infatuation i have, when i see him and smile secretly to myself and no one knows... no one.. just me and God.

hmmm.....:)

besides for about 2/3 of the semester i didn't even know his name...

hehehe....

i found out just a week ago...

in fairness, he is kinda hot....
partially because i dont know him and i havent even heard his voice ever...
hehehe...

to something i dont even know

2005-09-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

you cannot blame yourself for the things that do not happen in your life even if you want it...
we are all here to live, but we cannot live 10 lives at a time. there is only one path we can choose.
i dont know why i am writing this. but i feel a weird happiness now, like i found something new in me that i want to discover.

to the man i made up in my head

2005-09-11T02:45:00.000-07:00

i write about him all the time, and dream about him...
he haunts me in my sleep...
sometimes if my mind is sleepy enough and i think of him, i can feel, slighty, his fingers playing with my hair, and hear his faint voice whispering me to sleep. with a voice that belongs to someone i know, but i have given to him.
i do not know his face, i can only say he has long black hair, and dark smoldering intense eyes that look into mine, in my sleep.
i have been haunted by him the very first moment his image materialized in my mind.
he has started my passion.
in every story, every poem i write i am the girl, and he is the one that saves me from insanity.
the one that saves me from uncertainty. the one whon catches me when i have fallen into darkness.
what i cant understand is why i am obsessed with someone who i think, never existed and will never exist, because i made him up.

But...

could it be that he, the man of my dreams, could actually be a real person and that he was tattooed on my mind because he is my destiny?
could it also be that i am hauting him too? could it be, he is also wondering if i really exist, or if he really made me up?

and the moment we finally meet, we realize that we are for each other. and at that very moment,our eyes will know, our hearts will know who we are, and in both of us, there will be no need to doubt whether or not we belong to each other, because we were made for each other and the moment God created us, our hearts already knew.

do you think he exists?
i hope so..
but i only continue to dream.
and continue to wonder what his name could be.
and why he is haunting me....

to afternoons and saturdays

2005-09-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

the are some people who have grown to hate love so much that they never want to admit it to themselves that they are falling in love, i am one of those people.

i always fight love, the moment i see the signs come. but never did i ever suceed in doing so, it always comes back after i fight it off, comes back twice more than before. so now i cannot belive that after thinking i didn't like him anymore, i find myself slowly realizing that he is the man of my dreams and that i have to "vanquish" and just accept that fact that these feelings just wont go away...

go figure..

to heartbeats and sleeping angels

2005-09-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

my heart skipped a beat today, i wont tell you when and where(in case of those who knew where i was all the time.. besides i wouldn't want to tell everyone what happened), but it did. and i felt, a weird warm and comforting feeling in my chest. i guess it was that spontaneous crush thing again. hahaha.. no way.:)

to spontaneous happiness and friendship

2005-09-06T03:27:00.000-07:00

i have learned that loneliness can be saved by friendship. no matter how much you suffer they are always there for you. and i appreciate that so much.

honestly, i had a happy day today.

i dont feel in the mood to curse the world.

i feel great.

i hope it continues this way...

to the madness of emptiness

2005-09-05T04:43:00.000-07:00

i felt diminished today, seemed like a good idea to just rest from my life. but i can't, i cannot just die then be alive again when i want. i woke up today hating my life. i wished i could just sleep when ever i want. i have lost myself. i am not happy, and i dont want to live.. what the hell is fucking wrong with me..??? i have never felt this kind of lowness in my life. i have never been this negative. for the past few months, i have frowned more than, i ever frowned in a year of my life before.

if i am doing what i want, why am i so miserable? why does life seem to be turning its back on me? is this self inflicted? my heart is so heavy with sorrow, i want to run away from life. i want to get out of this feeling of uncertainty. i feel like im not secure, i feel like im not at home with life. even when i am at home, i feel so afraid. i feel so scared, of something i dont even know.

i lived a life before. now im just existing.

no i don't need your sympathy.. (bea.. hehehe pagaya)

i just need to feel alive again... to feel like i shouldn't be afraid to live, because i have a life that has value, and that i deserve to be happy. i deserve to live a little.

sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to have any of those, i have always loved suffering, maybe even to the point of feeling a pain so very deep. but sometimes i also need to feel happy. i need to smile. to laugh, to be at awe in the beauty of life.

i used to look at the sky and think about how beautiful life is. now i dont even look at the sky anymore.. am i slowly turning into the opposite of who i used to be?

i used to be happy, but now happiness is so very temporary, actually everything is temporary...

is there nothing in this world that i can be sure of??? i dont even know myself anymore..

this madness is driving me insane.

(can't they just pretend like i dont exist????)

to the yin and yang of life and searching for meaning

2005-09-04T02:30:00.000-07:00

i suppose if you take away a part of yourself, something else is replaced by it. Or you might have to feel its opposite. like love, take away love and you feel emptiness. maybe thats what i am feeling. i really did quite admit that i cannot live without love, reason for my emptiness...

either emptiness or loneliness, it doesn't matter...
what matters is i chose right to take away love from my life.

i also have been thinking about me being a writer...
i cannot say that i am, just because i write in a blog everyday, does that make me a writer?
i dont know..
maybe im not a writer..
maybe..

an artist perhaps?
everyone can color, and paint... my work are terrible... maybe im not an artist...

so now i ask myself these unending questions of meaning....

who am i really?

what am i really?

i don't know...

to those moments when you want to let go

2005-09-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

have you ever dreamt, where your hanging from a cliff, and your inches away from the top but all your holding on to is a treebranch, you look down to your death, and up to your life. but you are so tired of living, so tired of facing whats going to meet you up there that you would rather let go and fall to your death than to save your life...???

to the emptiness and the joys of not being in love

2005-09-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

i am happy to say, that i am not in love with anyone anymore. i feel a little empty that my heart does not belong to someone, and that i will have no kilig moments in my life now. But it is okay. i just have to get used to this. maybe it has been a long time since i have not had a love, my heart needs rest.

i feel a little empty. it is sad. i have no eyes to try to find, no presence i need to feel, no words i need to hear. just me, alone.

i am happy because i will no longer have to feel love, and how much it hurts. but i remember myself being a hypocrite, maybe now i am happy that i do not have love, but then tomorrow, i will feel the consequenses of choseing not to love. i am after all driven by love, maybe i will lose my drive in life, but nevertheless, at least i dont need to feel that much pain. my heart has become too tired...

to those times i remembered your smile

2005-09-02T06:19:00.000-07:00

it is tragic how a love, that was so strong, and so pure and good, has fallen and become something senseless.

for too long i have compared love with suffering. and i find to no avail, a slight difference, except that love is seldom happy, whereas suffering isn't. Love for me, has turned into suffering.

besides i am trying to find a different cure for loneliness, which is my illness. they say LOVE is the cure, i am determined to find something else.

for the logest time in my life, i am feeling such solemn suffering, and to admit, i have fallen deeply in love with it.

they ask why i am so sad.

i do not love myself anymore. there is no use. i remain in this stage of silence and suffering. i find beauty in it... dark beauty.

i no longer want to see him smile. it is also very seldon that i do not remember him now, days like these, rainy-then-sunny days where its always so windy, this was the season i fell in love with him, every gust of wind reminded me of his hair. evrytime i remember his hair, i remember his smile. This, from the beginning was unrequited love, and now, i have decided to let go. the will to go one does not motivate me anymore. i am tired and hopeless. love only makes life more complicated.

the only people who make me happy now are my friends. at least i have them, most of the others i look down upon, those stereotypes and people who have a mentality of a 10 year old. he is one of them, when he is with his friends, but when he is alone, i see him as a different person, that is one other reason why i cannot love him. he remains a mystery to me, i do not know what kind of mask he wears in front of people. he seems to be hiding.

i try to be a friend. but our lives are that separated that he is embarrased to even speak to me. it is okay. i was too overwhelming for him. tragic, so very shallow and tragic.

it is sad to see a man be wasted by the influence of peers. for someone so smart, someone so very different, to be so much like those people that succumb to the pressures of life.

it is sad. very very sad. but i donot live his life, i must not care. i am nothing to him. he will become nothing to me. who am i to chose his life.

love is absurd- jean-paul sartre...

yes he is right... i do not live in the time of war, like he did, but i believe him.

i have lost all hope for love....

the other sad, thing, i am a hypocrite...

i hate love, but i want it....

to the one who STILL possesses my heart

2005-09-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

You are
Breaking my heart
Once again,
Like yesterday, today
Everyday,
Forever.
Losing myself
As I look back,
Wiping tears
That fall from my eyes.
Love does require sacrifice.
Sometimes
Fighting so strong
Will never be enough.
I am so stupid.
No, my love
don't leave.
I will go.
I will move on.
Goodbye...

part 2 to those who broke it

2005-08-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

i have to move on you know...

i have to get a life that doesn't revolve around him. i have to fall OUT of love for him.

can i do that in a week???
i hope so...

ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i wish i wasn't so in love with him...

i smile, but i know its fake....

tomorrow... i wish not to see your face,

spare me, my love, spare me the pain

get away...

*i am not supossed to be sad. i mean i dont own him, and hes not my boyfriend who cheated on me for another girl, i am nothing to him, and he is nothing to me, exept the love of my life. why am i hurting like this...??? this is so meaning less... so petty....so very unreasonable... but i am so hurting anyway.... stop!

to those who broke it

2005-08-31T06:21:00.000-07:00

when will my heart ever stop breaking?

it is as if though my entire life consisted of my heart being constantly meddled with, constantly bruised. i am very much used to it, but i have gotten tired and for the first time in my life, i actually ask God for happiness. i feel like i don't deserve it anymore. when was the last time i ever felt genuine happiness?? i cannot even remember...

i never realized i could live like this, being so unhappy... i never used to care about the world that much, i wish i could for one in my life, be able to not care what other people think and get what my heart desires....

sometimes i want to stop the world from turning so that i can just rest for a while from all the crap i have been recieving from it. i am not ungrateful. i just seemed to be feeling such sadness that i realized that despite my yearning for happiness, i have fallen in love with it. i find comfort in my sorrow. but i cant be sorrowful all my life. that would make me die early. death is a curiosity, but i wouldn't want that yet. not when there are so many things i have not yet seen or encountered.

i find solace in my writings, it is very helpful to release all my pain into a peice of paper, or a painting, or a blog entry. i seem to be making more and more art works now, i guess pain can be shown in more ways than one.

philosophy is my test tomorrow, it is not easy, but i love it, so it becomes such an enjoyment for me, understanding philosophy is wonderful, it is like me in many ways, very hard to understand, in its complexity...

when i look at the mirror, i dont see the me that i was, i see a pathetic person who merely exists, because she lost the will to live. i dont know, but i think this is called depression.

oh well, i am a fool... because i chose to love him for those 14 months in my life. i chose to. i must suffer the concequenses of being very much attached to him. (even if he feels absolutely nothing for me). it is sad, how my heart, was just given to this guy, how very tragic. how very sad. that is why love is such a risk, loving him, is the scary thing i do everyday.

when i was aa child, i never bothered about love like this. i wish i could be 7 again, and all i would care about was my bike, my playmates, and getting home before dark.

the primary intention of love is to give yourself. that i can admit, i have done..

now that i have mentioned that, i will admit that although the breaking of my heart gives me so much pain, i have seen the beauty in it. love is something so very beautiful, so is pain, in many ways, as beautiful as love. it is the darkness in love, loves sweet misery. i realize it now, that we only find the beauty in pain if we have felt it numerous times in life.

i am tired. my eyes have shed no tears but i wish to. tears can make it go away, can make the pain go away. i want it to go away, and leave me forever...

when will my heart ever stop breaking?
i don't think it ever will.....

to those who never appreciated me

2005-08-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

Today, was like all the others. at 9 o'clock in the evening. i see my dad, he comments on how im always in front of the computer. he tells me i should study, its 9 o'clock in the evening for crying the fuck out loud, hellow! besides it monday, and i do not have class tomorrow.

i hate it, that just because they( my parents) dont see me study they think i dont. i have always been the problem child, and will always be. slowly, in this materialistic and stereotypical world, that i am losing hope in, i fade. no longer do i care to change the wrong, because it is too much. one person can only do so much. i remain silent, unmoving, restrain in my thoughs and feelings, i will keep this madness inside of me. because if i express how much i sometimes hate my psrents, they will think i am backstabbing them. which i do not.

everyone has to judge me all the time. i am affected, deeply affected. all i have wanted to be was understood. i hope they try that even just once.

i remain loyal to those friends (very few) who truly understand me, but where are they when i need them most. i have to learn that sometimes i have to face my battles by myself. this is essencial in life. i have to fight for myself. which i can't. i am afraid after all no matter how fearless i am in some points in my life.

all my life i have searched for so kind of meaning. now, i have lost what i call my archemeadian point. and i want to find it. i am longing for feelings of joy and happiness again, but when im feeling it, i feel like i dont deserve it.

why do i degrade myself so much to even think i do not deserve to be happy? i do not know. maybe i am losing love with myself.

a lot of us may not realize this but we need to feel we matter in this world. i know that there is so much evil, but there is also s0 much hope. for years i have kept that in my heart, but now, i have lost my hope. time is fading.. and its bringing it with me. i am young, but my soul is dying...

someone out there... if it were meant to be...

save me....